I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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