I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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