Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA