Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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