Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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