It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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I think your dad took our porno
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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