Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
