We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
