I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
