Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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