The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
