He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
