We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
