My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
