all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
