i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Let's get the cat blown out
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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