All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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