That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's rum buckets o'clock
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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