I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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