I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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