Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
