Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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