Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
