Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
