bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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