i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
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I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
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I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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