not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
