my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
