So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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