I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
