Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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