There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
