i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
