I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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