Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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