Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
All I want is dick and wine.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
