I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
