"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
