using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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