I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
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