She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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