i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
