sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Randomize
