Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
