The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
