i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
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How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
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I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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