i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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