Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
