Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
