I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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