college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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