this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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