just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
