Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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