just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
babies were throwing up all over the place
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
