drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
