You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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