you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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