stop calling my apartment porn island.
smell my finger.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize